The World is a Stage
by dawneh
Summary: John Paul musings  does anyone ever get to see the REAL you?


You know I had never realised how good an actor I could be, how good an actor I am. It's not something I had ever considered, but without realising it that is exactly what I had become.

I think it all started even before I met him. I knew what I was "supposed" to be, what I was "supposed" to want and so I played the part of that person, I acted the role of the person that people expected.

I was supposed to be attracted to women, so I started dating Hannah. I was supposed to want to be intimate with women and so I slept with Hannah. I never did it to be cruel or unkind, I didn't know at the time that I COULD be the person I was inside. I really believed that if I played my part for long enough then I would become the person I was pretending to be.

But of course life doesn't really work out like that does it.

In the end, all the lies, all the "acting" falls away and you get exposed for the person you really are. Without warning somebody looks at you when you're not behind that mask you always wear. If you're lucky they like the person they see, but if you're not…

The first person I let see the "real" me was Craig. Even with him I had been acting since the day we met. I played the role of his best friend to perfection and he never once guessed the truth. Not until I told him. Not until the day I said I was in love with him.

The eyes that looked at me that night will forever be burned into my heart. The first person I had ever loved looked at me like I was from another world, and in many ways I was… another world to the one that Craig was used to.

It's strange to think that a few months later those same eyes would look at me with love. Those same eyes would look at me with pain. And those same eyes would watch as I walked away.

After Craig left the mask came back. People didn't want to see the real me and I wasn't prepared to share myself with anyone again… not the way I had with him, not so fully or so completely.

After Craig left I remembered what a good actor I could be. With a smile and a laugh people don't see the pain inside. And if you laugh loud enough you can almost drown out the screaming in your own head.

After Craig left I even made new friends. Good friends. But friends that were only ever allowed to see the actor. The real John Paul, he was locked away in a box where no one could get to him and where no one could hurt him.

Some times I think that John Paul McQueen died in an airport in Liverpool and the person that returned to Hollyoaks was just a shell, a walking memory of the person he had once been.

So the actor took over and his life carried on. After a while people stopped mentioning Craig, I stopped mentioning Craig, and they all assumed I was over him. The actor smiled and pretended that the ache in his chest wasn't there. The actor joked and pretended that the tears in his eyes were from laughing too hard. The actor lived and pretended that he wasn't dying a little more each day.

I wonder sometimes why they can't see the tears behind the smiles or hear the weeping behind the laughter. Maybe I am that good an actor or maybe they just don't want to see, don't want to hear… maybe they don't want to know.

There are still times when I let the mask slip. When I peel away the actor's smile and look at the man's tears. There are times when I think of Craig and John Paul needs to feel again. He needs to remember what it was to be loved, even if it was only for a little while, he needs to remember how it feels to be held and kissed and cherished. He needs to know that he is a person. He needs to know that he's still alive.

I never wanted to be an actor. It was never a dream of mine, it was never a goal.

I never wanted to be an actor, or a liar, or a betrayer, or a cheat. I wanted to be myself, to be happy, to be loved, to be safe.

I never wanted to be an actor.

I never wanted to be alone.

I never wanted to be lost.

I never wanted to be cold.

I never wanted to be empty.

All I wanted was Craig.

But Craig's part in my play has ended now. He exited stage left and he never returned.

I could take a bow and thank the audience for watching.

I could lower the curtain and call for intermission.

Or I could just be the actor with a smile on his face, a spring in his step and an ache in his heart.

I never realised how good an actor I could be until I had no choice. So I will act out the life of a happy man, I will keep my mask in place and hide the truth from the world.

I will carry on acting until he comes back…

… or until I have no more script left to say.


End file.
